Listen to the Mustn'ts, child, listen to the Don'ts.
Listen to the Shouldn'ts, the Impossibles, the Won'ts.

Listen to the Never Haves, then listen close to me.
Anything can happen, child, Anything can be.

-Shel Silverstein

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Eclipse Run-Down

It has been 36 hours since the much anticipated Eclipse Premier. Before I start this post, please know I am a lover - not a hater. You all know that, I am a fan, a dedicated fan. I have suffered through uncomfortable monkey references, tacky glitter, laughable special effects and horribly coiffed hair. I have evolved to find Robert Pattinson hot, and not at all feminine with a face that is not at all flat like the bottom of my foot. I have crossed a moral boundary to lust after a child who was once the super-hero Shark Boy. I have looked past everything that is wrong with Kristen Stewart on every level. I have a 1,000 piece puzzle glued together under my bed, next to a poster that I have no use for but had to have. I named my car Eddie for hell's sakes. So...it is with the utmost love I give my opinion of Eclipse...

The title of the movie should be changed to "I HATE BELLA SWAN!!" I wanted her to die, die, die. I wanted to stand up and shout to the world, "You don't deserve either one of them you horrible, horrible, horrible little girl."

All of us that have read the books and fallen in love with either Edward or Jacob, or both. And I dare say there wasn't one of us who joined "Team Bella" and fell in love with her character. If they had consulted me on the screen play it would have gone something like this...

Bella is fickle and can't decide between two perfect and gorgeous men. The two men have a moment of clarity as they stare each other down, they sense a connection with each other and use their mind reading super powers to communicate. What are we doing, they ask? Are we really fighting over her? This is almost embarassing, we could do SO much better...I mean, look at us, right? So, they form a plan while Bella watches them cluelessly with a stupid expression on her face...

When Riley and Victoria come for Bella and Edward pretends to protect her, he secretly tells them that they can have her as long as they promise to make it look like he put up a good fight.
Riley and Victoria take Bella and suck the so-called life out of her and rip her to pieces. It's very sad. Poor Jasper is distraught and decides to finally come out of the closet...He proclaims to the world that we won't let Alice dress him anymore - not only is a Bob-Cut out of style, the cheap wavy perm is SO Kelly McGillis-1980-Top Gun that he is about to rip his own head off. A huge fight errupts among the Cullen'sCarlisle tells the other Cullens in his soft spoken tone to settle down and love all creatures, not matter what their sexual orientation may be - to remember who they are... Emmett says, "To hell with that, I am too much of a man for that. And, come to think of it, I'm with Edward and Jacob, I'm too much of a man to be with an ice cold beyotch like Rosalie, too! I'm outta here."(ohhhhhh yeahhhh...meet Macoy Parker from my book everyone!) Devastated, Jasper, Rosalie, Carlisle and Esme run to Alaska to be with the Denali clan. Edward, Jacob and Emmett stay behind in the Cullen mansion. The three of them dream of having a woman in their lives they can share - a middle-aged, chubby, wrinkly, homely, accountant that they can spoil, dote on, provide for and love passionately. She shows up and makes all their wildest dreams come true...Alice adopts Seth Clearwater and rescues him from the Quilleute tribe (because let's face it, he is the cutest little thing I've ever seen)
And they all lived happily ever after!

The End.

What do you think? It would have been much better than suffering through 2 hours of unemotional acting from Bella trying to have her beef-cake and eat it too. But, her passionate speech at the end made everything fall into place and made it all okay...or not! The speech made me even more angry with her - if that was even possible. "Edward...oh, Edward...I want to be a Vampire because I suck as a human being...I guess I sort of love you too...and I sort of love Jacob but all he can do is lick me like a dog - at least you are a means to an end!"

Was it just me? What did everyone else think? I think the general status is that if you loved the 1st one - you will like this one. But if New Moon blew you away...you might be disappointed with this one. However, Edward never looked better and it tickled all my tingly parts so I guess it has served its purpose!!

BTW - haven't forgotten about the Name contest - I just haven't decided. I need more entries to choose from so please, if you are reading this and haven't given me character names, please do so! I love a lot of the ones I have been given but I am still chewing on them...I think Austin is taken care of - I need jerky boy names now.

Everyone have a great 4th!

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