What I learned during my hiatus

Greetings everyone!


It’s been a few weeks since my last post. I apologize for my absence, although I’m sure you haven’t missed me a bit! A lot has happened since my last blog post. We went camping, I attended WIFYR and met a ton of great new writing friends, I continued training for my ½ marathon and my dad had a bit of an accident.

Allow me to catch you up.


Top 10 Things I learned during my Hiatus


10. Sleeping bags shrink. Okay, maybe they don’t shrink in the I-Washed-It-In-Hot-Water kind of shrink. More of a Hey-I’ve-Gotten-Fatter-Since-We-Did-This-Last kind of way.


9. Quitting Diet Pepsi hasn’t helped me lose any weight but I’m holding strong. I will be reunited with the Dark Mother in T-Minus 9 Days. I’m still struggling to drop some poundage before the race next Saturday. But, according to my husband, “You may not have lost any weight—but at least your legs don’t look like they are choking in your pants.”


8. Running 11 miles along the beautiful Snake River doesn’t make running 11 miles any easier. You just smell worse because you can’t shower afterwards when you’re camping.


7. Dogs are a lot more fun outside—on account of there’s no carpet to chew.


6. 72-year old men should not be climbing 20-ft ladders to prune trees with chainsaws. I’m just saying.


5. Get a good job and be very grateful for health insurance—because one day you might need it in a big, big way.


4. My first novel is dead, I’m afraid. I received my 8th rejection, which I’m okay with. But I realized the story is so flawed that I either need to start over or put it in a drawer. I’m opting for the drawer. I’m going to give my new manuscript a chance to get finished.


3. I don’t know the first thing about writing, and yet, I know a little more than I thought.


2. The main character in my new novel has no motivation and the world I built didn’t make any sense and needs to be revamped. Easy-Peasy. Right? #pullshair


1. WIFYR is still the best week of my year. I love meeting writers and learning more about the craft.


Here’s hoping everyone has a wonderful weekend. I will be spending mine learning how to be a farmer. Don’t be jealous! I’ll send pictures.

Ode to the Dark Mother

This week I read LOVE AND LEFTOVERS by Sarah Tregay.

It was a great book comprised entirely of poems. I loved everything about it so I started thinking, as I usually do when I read someone elses great works, "Hey, maybe I could do that!?"

Have I mentioned I am delusional?

In order to write an entire novel of poetry, I figured I should start small.

But what to write about?

They say to write what you know.

But what if you don't know anything?

And then it hit me. Diet Pepsi! I have gone 72 very loooooong hours without my Dark Aspartame Mother in an effort to train for my half marathon so its been on my mind lately.

So, without further ado...

Ode to the Dark Mother:
Oh Dark Mother, how do I love you?
In ways I cannot count with fingers of five.
You served me well, like morning dew,
You kept me going, you kept my soul alive.
Though others have tempted, my love for you is true.
Alas, I have foresaken you to be a running-whore,
But do not doubt-
The days will run out-
And You and I will be reunited once more.


What say you? Do you think I have a shot at writing a Novel In Verse?

Maybe not.

On the WIFYR front, I received my pages for the conference. I have 173 pages to critique by next Monday. It's a good thing I am going to Canada again next week so I will have time in the evenings to work on them.

Hope everyone has a great weekend! See you Tuesday!

How to Train for a Half Marathon

I know you are all dying to know how to train for a Half Marathon. Today I would like to impart my extensive wisdom on the subject in this simple 10-Step Investment Approach.

10. Invest in “Born to Run”

All of you should have a sister like mine. For Christmas, instead of knitting me a sweater with jingle bells on it, she threw down a challenge—to run a Half Marathon in July. She gave me the book “Born to Run” which I promptly read cover to cover and became brainwashed into thinking that, not only could I run, but I could run barefoot.

9. Invest in a Dog

Every good runner needs a dog. Because a dog will wake you up at six AM every day of your life to go to the bathroom and then jump all over and lick you. This is far better than any alarm clock on the market because there is no “Snooze” button. Trust me. Get a dog. You’ll never regret it.

8. Invest in Extra Leashes

Said dog will be difficult to control and will chew through several leashes so make sure you always have a spare on hand. In case you aren’t a dog person, evidently they are easily distracted.


*Squirrel*


7. Invest in a GPS watch


Just because you own a Smart Phone doesn’t make you Smart. There is a FREE APP, yes FREE, with GPS tracking, timers, route mappers, anything you could ever want in a Sports Watch. But, if you are *Smart* like me, you will ignore this APP and drop a few bones on an official GPS Watch. Just because you are smart.


6. Invest in a new pair of kicks


A new shiny pair of kicks will make you forget that you are pounding the pavement over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over. It will feel like you are walking on clouds. You will be able to run forever because, like I keep telling my husband, new shoes have magical powers.


5. Invest in Orthotics


Once you realize that taking the advice in Step 10 to run barefoot has backfired because a human that is 100 lbs overweight and has lived a sedentary lifestyle for the last 3 years cannot in fact run down the street barefoot, you will need to drop a few bones on some custom orthotics. No biggie.


4. Invest in Groceries


Evidently Oreos and Mac and Cheese are not “Fuel” for your body. So, invest in some groceries that are high in protein, good fats and most importantly…FIBER!!


3. Invest in Underwear


After Step 4, you will need to invest in some new underwear. I’m just saying.


2. Invest in an iPod arm holder


When the weather turns warm and you don’t have a jacket with pockets to hold your iPod/iPhone you will need to invest in an arm holder gizzy because evidently cleavage sweat will short-out your very expensive, beloved Apple Product. (See...now I don't look so dumb for buying a GPS watch, do I?)


1. Invest the time


All that is left is to invest the time. Get out there and run, run, run!!


See you at the finish line.

Cake-Chubbies

Thing-2 turned 8 years-old yesterday. She had an amazing birthday party on Saturday, much to the torment of her mother. The chocolate cake was sinful--the one from Costco, you know which one I’m talking about. Don’t pretend you don’t. (And no, I didn’t hide it in the trunk of my car, and eat it in a closet—it’s not like it was CUPCAKES!)

Anyway, the cake looked great going down.

Not so much when it was puked onto my brand-new carpet 6-hours later *sighs*

Se la vi.

I had to run 4 miles yesterday to work off the cake chubbies. Was it worth it? Ohhhh yeah.

Does anyone else out there run? Do you have any tips for me? My sister Tara has thrown down the gauntlet and I am trying to train for a Half Marathon in July. What a joke, right? That’s what I thought. The only way the race would be fair is if all the other runners had to strap a 100-lb bags of flour on their backs and run alongside me.

Being fat is so unfair sometimes.

But look at the bright side—no one expects much of you so you can hide cupcakes in your car and eat a Costco sheet cake and order the Super-Size combo meal with the Diet Coke and all people will do is roll their eyes and say, “Figures.”

Ain’t life grand?

Happy Eating and Running Everyone!