Listen to the Mustn'ts, child, listen to the Don'ts.
Listen to the Shouldn'ts, the Impossibles, the Won'ts.

Listen to the Never Haves, then listen close to me.
Anything can happen, child, Anything can be.

-Shel Silverstein

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

It's a Major Award!

Remember the classic cinema of Ralphy and his Red Rider B-B Gun?  His dad came home one night tickled as a farmer with a feather up his butt because he had won a major award.  Ah, yes.  The electric sex glowing in the window...

Well, I have won a major award myself.  You may recall the Fire Petal Auction I posted about recently.  Since I am struggling to pour my guts and livers onto paper in some organized fashion, I bid on a 2 hour lunch / chat / whatever session with the fabulous Bree Despain, author of The Dark Divine (which, by the by, if you haven't read you should be flogged publicly...or something a little less dramatic.)

Any who, not to compare Bree to Electric Sex Glowing in the window but you get my point, right?  I can't wait!  Feel bad for Bree (but not bad enough to not take advantage of her undivided attention!)

In other news...I did finish The Lovely Bones and it bored me to tears.  Maybe it was too deep and literary for me but I wish I could get those 10 hours of my life back!

Happy booking everyone!

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Southeast Livin'

Are you all dying to know how my writing is coming?  So am I!  My writing during the day usually consists of 100's of emails a day that say "I am sorry you are experienceing issues with the new accounting system but due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.  Please contact someone who cares."

I am going on day WhoKnows of my American tour. 

I love the Southeast.  It is the only place in the world where I can buy University of South Carolina Gamcock T-shirts like this for souvenirs...

(That is totally me and my body in case you wondered...and yes, I really did buy shirts because I really am that immature.)

It is also the only place where I find myself stopping at a truck stop to get quarters for the laundro-mat while purchasing Power Ball Lottery tickets and a day old pork omlette biscuit from a lady named Marge because she chastises me relentlessly with her mantra "You gotta be In It to Win It."

I won three dollars and then spilled my Diet Pepsi all over the tickets and threw them in the trash.  I hope the maid can buy herself something nice.

When I got to my hotel last night at midnight there was a tour bus out front for the Notre Dame Rowing Team.  It didn't specify gender but my head went straight to Matt Damon / Dead Poets Society so I set my alarm early for breakfast!  Sadly they were gone by the time I got there.

In case you are wondering, Southern men are becoming much more progressive.  I went for a massage and pedi today to pass the time in this crazy town. 

Number of men giving pedi's and manicures = 4.  Number of women = 3.  Weird.  Not just Lady Gaga weird...more like Black Smoke Monster weird.

A gay man named Vincent was my massage therapist for the day.  I left him an extra large tip because the poor boy actually had to massage my bare butt cheeks, in all their cheesy glory.  (Plus, I feel bad for making "O" faces and moaning noises when he started working on my shoulders and neck. An extra fiver was the least I could do!)

When I was done, I waddled over to the Steak and Shake.  Hands down...best fast food...EVER!!!!!  I had a double with an extra large diet and a chocolate shake on the side.  On my way out the evil Girl Scout Troop forced me to buy Thin Mints.  Those girls are marketing geniuses!!  Want to sell cookies?  Hang out at the fatty-fatty-two-by-four temple.

I topped off a perfect day by watching Robert Pattinson for two solid hours in Remember Me.
I invited him over afterwards but told him it was a BYOB Party (Bring Your Own Bed).  I am expecting him at any moment.  How long should I wait?  If he isn't here by 3 AM should I assume he isn't coming? 

By the way, if you have seen Remember Me, what did you think? 

Tomorrow morning I am sleeping in and then I can't decide between 'taters, 'maters and grits at the Waffle House or biscuitt an gravy at Cracker Barrel.  Very tough choices.

What do you think my chances of finding Green Eggs for St. Patty's day are? 

Tomorrow is day light savings time so by my body clock it's yesterday.  I am off to bed!  (If I can sleep through the frog croaking in the swamp outside my window.)

Maybe tomorrow I will finish "Lovely Bones".  It started off with a bang and has gotten saggy in the middle...sort of reminds me of something....I'm just sayin'...

Sunday, March 7, 2010

What I'm Reading

I am currently reading "The Lovely Bones".  I know I said I wouldn't read anything but I had to break that vow.  So, I am making an effort to read things unrelated to my book genre. 

It's pretty good so far...

Anyone else read it?  What are your thoughts?

What are your Top 5 favorite books of all time?

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Whale or Mermaid?

A poster featuring a young,thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.

It said, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern,

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.) They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist,they would be lining up outside the offices of psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex? Just look at them ... where is IT? Therefore, they don't have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me: I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful.

But I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends. With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, ¨Good grief, look how smart I am!¨