Listen to the Mustn'ts, child, listen to the Don'ts.
Listen to the Shouldn'ts, the Impossibles, the Won'ts.

Listen to the Never Haves, then listen close to me.
Anything can happen, child, Anything can be.

-Shel Silverstein

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

How to Train for a Half Marathon

I know you are all dying to know how to train for a Half Marathon. Today I would like to impart my extensive wisdom on the subject in this simple 10-Step Investment Approach.

10. Invest in “Born to Run”

All of you should have a sister like mine. For Christmas, instead of knitting me a sweater with jingle bells on it, she threw down a challenge—to run a Half Marathon in July. She gave me the book “Born to Run” which I promptly read cover to cover and became brainwashed into thinking that, not only could I run, but I could run barefoot.

9. Invest in a Dog

Every good runner needs a dog. Because a dog will wake you up at six AM every day of your life to go to the bathroom and then jump all over and lick you. This is far better than any alarm clock on the market because there is no “Snooze” button. Trust me. Get a dog. You’ll never regret it.

8. Invest in Extra Leashes

Said dog will be difficult to control and will chew through several leashes so make sure you always have a spare on hand. In case you aren’t a dog person, evidently they are easily distracted.


7. Invest in a GPS watch

Just because you own a Smart Phone doesn’t make you Smart. There is a FREE APP, yes FREE, with GPS tracking, timers, route mappers, anything you could ever want in a Sports Watch. But, if you are *Smart* like me, you will ignore this APP and drop a few bones on an official GPS Watch. Just because you are smart.

6. Invest in a new pair of kicks

A new shiny pair of kicks will make you forget that you are pounding the pavement over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over. It will feel like you are walking on clouds. You will be able to run forever because, like I keep telling my husband, new shoes have magical powers.

5. Invest in Orthotics

Once you realize that taking the advice in Step 10 to run barefoot has backfired because a human that is 100 lbs overweight and has lived a sedentary lifestyle for the last 3 years cannot in fact run down the street barefoot, you will need to drop a few bones on some custom orthotics. No biggie.

4. Invest in Groceries

Evidently Oreos and Mac and Cheese are not “Fuel” for your body. So, invest in some groceries that are high in protein, good fats and most importantly…FIBER!!

3. Invest in Underwear

After Step 4, you will need to invest in some new underwear. I’m just saying.

2. Invest in an iPod arm holder

When the weather turns warm and you don’t have a jacket with pockets to hold your iPod/iPhone you will need to invest in an arm holder gizzy because evidently cleavage sweat will short-out your very expensive, beloved Apple Product. (See...now I don't look so dumb for buying a GPS watch, do I?)

1. Invest the time

All that is left is to invest the time. Get out there and run, run, run!!

See you at the finish line.

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