Listen to the Mustn'ts, child, listen to the Don'ts.
Listen to the Shouldn'ts, the Impossibles, the Won'ts.

Listen to the Never Haves, then listen close to me.
Anything can happen, child, Anything can be.

-Shel Silverstein

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Southeast Livin'

Are you all dying to know how my writing is coming?  So am I!  My writing during the day usually consists of 100's of emails a day that say "I am sorry you are experienceing issues with the new accounting system but due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.  Please contact someone who cares."

I am going on day WhoKnows of my American tour. 

I love the Southeast.  It is the only place in the world where I can buy University of South Carolina Gamcock T-shirts like this for souvenirs...

(That is totally me and my body in case you wondered...and yes, I really did buy shirts because I really am that immature.)

It is also the only place where I find myself stopping at a truck stop to get quarters for the laundro-mat while purchasing Power Ball Lottery tickets and a day old pork omlette biscuit from a lady named Marge because she chastises me relentlessly with her mantra "You gotta be In It to Win It."

I won three dollars and then spilled my Diet Pepsi all over the tickets and threw them in the trash.  I hope the maid can buy herself something nice.

When I got to my hotel last night at midnight there was a tour bus out front for the Notre Dame Rowing Team.  It didn't specify gender but my head went straight to Matt Damon / Dead Poets Society so I set my alarm early for breakfast!  Sadly they were gone by the time I got there.

In case you are wondering, Southern men are becoming much more progressive.  I went for a massage and pedi today to pass the time in this crazy town. 

Number of men giving pedi's and manicures = 4.  Number of women = 3.  Weird.  Not just Lady Gaga weird...more like Black Smoke Monster weird.

A gay man named Vincent was my massage therapist for the day.  I left him an extra large tip because the poor boy actually had to massage my bare butt cheeks, in all their cheesy glory.  (Plus, I feel bad for making "O" faces and moaning noises when he started working on my shoulders and neck. An extra fiver was the least I could do!)

When I was done, I waddled over to the Steak and Shake.  Hands down...best fast food...EVER!!!!!  I had a double with an extra large diet and a chocolate shake on the side.  On my way out the evil Girl Scout Troop forced me to buy Thin Mints.  Those girls are marketing geniuses!!  Want to sell cookies?  Hang out at the fatty-fatty-two-by-four temple.

I topped off a perfect day by watching Robert Pattinson for two solid hours in Remember Me.
I invited him over afterwards but told him it was a BYOB Party (Bring Your Own Bed).  I am expecting him at any moment.  How long should I wait?  If he isn't here by 3 AM should I assume he isn't coming? 

By the way, if you have seen Remember Me, what did you think? 

Tomorrow morning I am sleeping in and then I can't decide between 'taters, 'maters and grits at the Waffle House or biscuitt an gravy at Cracker Barrel.  Very tough choices.

What do you think my chances of finding Green Eggs for St. Patty's day are? 

Tomorrow is day light savings time so by my body clock it's yesterday.  I am off to bed!  (If I can sleep through the frog croaking in the swamp outside my window.)

Maybe tomorrow I will finish "Lovely Bones".  It started off with a bang and has gotten saggy in the middle...sort of reminds me of something....I'm just sayin'...


  1. The food is the best part of the south for sure. So is Remember Me worth it?

  2. Steak and Shake? Really!? I think all that southern sun is getting to you. Next thing I know you will be sounding like Harold and Kumar and have to get a White Castle. Just remember to stay away from the all the special grass growing in most ditches out there. lol

  3. Holy cow, that was such an awesome totally "Cam" post! I want to tattoo it on my forehead.