Birthday Dilemmas

I am blogging from Ontario, Canada. I will be traveling here two or three more times this summer so I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.


This week I am having a motherly dilemma. Thing 1 is having a birthday next week. Want to know what she has asked for?

1. An iPhone
2. A plane ticket to Austin Texas to visit her cousins
3. A pair of roller-skate shoes
4. A disco light
5. A razor and shaving cream

We usually keep birthdays very small—just a small gift from each member of the family. Most of you would look at this list and laugh at me, as you should, and tell me the answer is simple.

But let me explain my dilemma...
1. I want her to have an iPhone so she will STOP using mine! And, we are in the process of renegotiating our contracts so it would be relatively feasible to get her one. Except Daddy has insisted he is higher up the iPhone food-chain than she is so Option 1 is out.

Plus. Come on. An iPhone for a 10 year old? I can’t bring myself to do it.

2. I would love to send her to visit my sister. In fact, I would love to go with her. I think that is an awesome birthday present. And, thanks to my travel for work, I have enough frequent flyer miles to buy her a ticket.

But just because I have enough miles…should I? Is that too extravagant? Shouldn’t I save those miles for a family vacation instead?

3. I hate roller-skate shoes. The dog running around my hardwood floors is bad enough. Roller-skates? No.

4. A disco light? Seriously? Where am I supposed to get one of those? And…ew.

5. A razor? Heaven help me. She needs to, don’t get me wrong. She is starting to notice and getting self conscious so I can’t put it off much longer.

What is a mother to do? I have a bad habit of overindulging my children. I want them to have things. I do. But I’m afraid this time it’s gone too far.

I think we will end up with a razor, shaving cream and…WHAT?

Please give me some ideas!

I know. How about a Diet Pepsi and a kick in the butt?

There. It’s settled.

Dog Dayz

Several months ago my kids suckered me into getting a puppy. My husband and I hate dogs. We vowed, at the alter, we would never have a pet.

Ever.

And yet, somehow there is a mangy dog living in my brand new house.

I overlooked the accidents, because she was a baby.
I overlooked the chewing, because she was teething.
I overlooked a lot of things, because.

Ben keeps asking me what she gives in return. To which, I answer...

Um. She's cute? And she stink? And she has nasty dog breath and jumps all over me? She is always in the way? She costs lots of money? She gets my floors all dirty?

Yeah. That's what she gives in return.

So far, the only benefit I can see is that my yard is going in much faster because of her.

Today she crossed a line. Today she chewed a hole through my very best, my very expensive area rug.

So, she is grounded today while we debate her future. I am hiding in my room, enjoying a dog free morning, working in my warm cozy bed, watching daytime television, listining to the rain, and writing.

What could be finer?

Oh yeah, not having a dog.

Discouragement and Perspective

Discouragement is a disease that has touched all of us at one time or another. For me, it takes many forms…


It’s a rejection letter

It’s a bad day at work

It’s a harsh word from a loved one

It’s an ungrateful child

It’s a pair of running shoes sitting in the bottom of a closet, taunting you

It’s bad things that happen to good people

It’s bad things that happen to you

It’s a pair of jeans that are just a little too tight

It’s a sleeve of Oreo’s and a half gallon of ice cream

It’s a dirty house

It’s a sink full of dishes

It’s a dirty dog

It’s an unfinished project

It’s an empty bank account

It’s an unwritten story


How do we overcome discouragement when it’s so prevalent, up in our grills 24/7/365? I believe who we are as a person is a function of what we do in the face of discouragement. Life will never change, it’s our perspective when life happens that defines us.

Last night, I came home from work and felt sorry for myself. I stuffed my face with comfort foods, laid on my bed and watched TV, slept, left the house, children and dog to themselves, and wallowed.

Today, I am ashamed that I let the little things in life get the best of me.

Today, I won’t let that happen again.
Will you?

Creating Things...It's How We Roll

After following my own advice, I finally finished my retaining wall.

Isn't it beautiful? There is something to be said for creating something yourself, with your own hands. Thing 2, my 8 year-old, decided she wanted to learn how to create pancakes all by herself. So, with a sophisticated recipe in hand, she did just that.

That's how we roll at our house. We create things. Now, keep in mind--we aren't creative, but with a good formula and a little instruction, we know how to create.

The same can be said of writing. Most people are crippled with the idea of writing because they don't feel creative. You don't have to be creative to write, you simply need to have a desire to create.

If you have ever thought of writing, open that blank Word Doc on your computer, dust off that journal and start. There are many great books and websites available to help you along your journey if that's your thing. But it's not necessary. The most important part of the creation formula is merely to do it. To start.

Here's to pancakes and brick walls. Here's to writing a novel.

How Building a Wall is Like Writing

I tried to build a retaining wall in my backyard yesterday. It took me about fourty-five minutes and looked something like this…

I realized I don’t know the first thing about retaining walls. Just like I don’t know the first thing about writing a book! But, here are five things I have learned about writing, as taught by Amateur Landscape Hour.


The Foundation is the Most Important Part

I couldn’t even begin to start on the rest of the wall until I had the foundation blocks in place. The foundation of your story is the beginning, middle and end, the Conflict, the Character’s Emotional Arc. All those components must be thought out and solidified before you can even begin to write your story. Some people can vomit words on a page, one after another, and have a book at the end of it. I don’t operate that way. I have to think out the basic core foundation of my story before I begin the word vomit.


Take Your Time

I was in too big of a hurry with my wall and as a result, it was crooked and uneven with gaps all over the place. As with writing, I have learned if you are too rushed, too worried about your word or page count, too worried about finishing to care about what you put into it, the finished product will suffer. It will be very evident that you didn’t take time along the way where it mattered.

Do Your Homework

You can save yourself a lot of rework if you simply do a little leg work to begin with. If I had asked some questions, if I had taken accurate measurements, if I had bothered to check my work along the way I wouldn’t have ended up with a wall that looked like the Leaning Tower of Pisa


Tear it Down and Start Over If Needed

Because I didn’t take my time. Because I didn’t focus on the foundation. Because I didn’t do my homework, I now have to tear down my wall and start over. And you know what? That’s okay. Rework is an important part of getting things right. I am learning that with INSIDIOUS, thanks to the agent critique I received a few weeks ago. Sometimes starting over is the best solution. You can never, never, never be so attached to something you’ve written that you aren’t willing to scrap it and start over.


Don’t Give Up

I could leave my wall the way it is and live with mediocrity because it’s okay. It’s not great, but it’s okay. I don’t know about you—but I don’t want my work to be just okay. I want it to be great. Something I am proud of. And because of that, I can’t give up. You can never give up improving; trying to build your story and make it the best, strongest story you can write. Just like I can’t give up on my sad little wall, I can’t give up on my sad little book.

Motivation

Last year, when we decided to move, I spent weeks I decluttering our old house and packing boxes. Then I settled us into our temporary house in about 24 hours flat. Then I spent 6 months meeting with contractors, running errands, checking on the job, picking out colors—everything that goes into building a new house. When the construction was finished, we spent several more weeks getting settled. I wouldn’t let a soul rest until everything, even the garage, was put away and every last picture was hung.

I was a woman possessed.

Before I changed jobs last May, I was working 80-100 hours a week and I was on the road about half of my life. I thrived on the deadlines and the work. You know…until I had a mental breakdown.

Last November, I got a burr up my kiester and decided to participate in National Novel Writing Month. I finished the book that I had been working on for the prior 22 months. It was incredible.

How did I do all that? How did was I so busy and yet utterly happy with it all? How was I able to accomplish so much?

I was MOTIVATED!!!!

That’s how.

And now? The house is settled, I have a new job that barely requires a solid 40 hours a week and I am completely and utterly bored. I can’t seem to find my MOTIVATION.

I need my motivation more than ever right now. I have committed to write a second book and run a half marathon with my sister.

But alas, I am finding it hard to train.
I am finding it hard to write.
I am finding it hard to go to work.
I am finding it hard to clean the house.
I am finding it hard just to get out of bed in the morning.

Do any of you ever feel that way? Of course you do. I know I’m not alone in this. What do you do to stay motivated? I’m the kind of person that requires a life event, some kind of drama or goal, to motivate me. I’m a sprinter. I sprint for a short period of time and then fizzle out. The problem is, life isn’t always full of drama or big events. Sometimes it’s the same thing, over and over, for weeks, months, even years!

How blah.

I feel like an old man looking forward to the mailman each day so he has a reason to get out of his chair, walk to the mailbox, and hope for something exciting only to be disappointed with a pile of “Resident” mail and bills.

So how? HOW do we find motivation when there is no external force pushing us? How do we create motivation out of nothing other than what we have inside?

Here’s how. We get over ourselves, pull up our big girl panties and just do it.

Shel Silverstein, my favorite poet, said…

All the woulda-coulda-shouldas
Layin’ in the sun,
Talkin’ bout the things
They woulda-coulda-shoulda done…
But those woulda-coulda-shouldas
All ran away and hid
From one little did.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be a woulda-coulda-shoulda.

I’m a DID.

Writer's Block

I have been suffering from writer’s block since last November when I finished INSIDIOUS. Today I finally Googled writers block and found some helpful information from About.Com “Getting the Best of your Writers Block” by Ginny Wienhardt.


Ginny suggested a way to overcome writers block was to think of writing as a regular job, and less of an art. If she only knew what kind of an artist I am…

Wienhardt had a few other suggestions, which I have decided to try.


1. Have a schedule, and stick to it.

I will write sometime between sun-up and sun-down on someday of the week.


Check.

2. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Camille Ballou, you are good enough, you are smart enough, and doggonnit, people like you. You don’t in fact suck rotten eggs.


Check.


3. Don’t panic.

Oh no! Oh no! Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no!!! I can’t think of anything to write. My mind is blank, my creativity is goo and has leaked out of my ear and into my hair. Ew! Ew! Ew! Get it off of me!!


Check.

4. Take time off

Uhhh, yeah. Check, check and check.


5. Set deadlines and keep them.

During said hours of sun-up and sun-down I will write 1,000 words a day on some 5 days a week.


Check.


6. Examine any deep-seated issues

Made an appointment with a therapist.


Check.


7. Work on more than one project at a time.

Putting in a yard. Training a new puppy. Mopping.


Check.


8. Try writing exercises.

There once was a girl from Nantucket...

Check.


9. Get away from the desk for a while.

Desk? What desk? I write in my lap. Can I get away from my lap for awhile? I’d love to. Does that mean liposuction can now be a write off?

Check.


10. Remember why you started to write in the first place.
Because I’m an idiot and wanted to prove something to myself.
Check.
 And now…I am proud to say my writer’s block is cured. You should try this, it’s better than chocolate. 
Here’s to 1,000 words a day, 5 days a week!!

The Meaning of a Word

Last night, rain beat incessantly on my bedroom window. I love rain because it makes you feel like curling up with a blanket and hot cocoa or running naked through the streets. It is nature’s gift that brings spring flowers and green grass.


For those of us who own a dog and don’t have any grass to appreciate said gifts, it means this…

Guess what I will be doing today? If you said mopping, you were right! But not because my floors are a disgrace—I will be mopping because it will keep me from having to write.

Ugh.

I guess six days wasn’t long enough to make everything roses again. I have decided to give INSIDIOUS a break while I finish the first 25 pages of my new book. I have a conference in June I need to prepare for so I figured it was a good way to get some distance. Maybe in a few weeks I will be ready.

I did receive two more rejections—one from the full manuscript and one from a query. So, I am still waiting to hear back on three plus the one agent that has my full manuscript.

I wish I had more to blog about today but I’m not in a jovial kind of mood. I received word this morning that last night a dear, sweet man died after a long battle with cancer. His story is one I have followed for years, watching the triumphs and setbacks, the happiness and the heartbreaks. He defied all odds and his family taught me so much about holding strong, being positive and never, never, never giving up.

Cancer is an insidious disease. My grandmother—who died of it thirteen years ago—taught me that. She taught me the meaning of the word and so, even though it’s a silly book about teenage boys and demons, I named it INSIDIOUS for her.

May God be with this man and his sweet family at this difficult time, we love them more than they will know.

My Private Humiliation

The SCBWI conference in Boise, Idaho did not go as planned. I had hoped to return with tales of rainbows and pots of gold.

But alas, it was a dark cloud of discouragement with a thick, black, humiliated lining.

The agent critique I signed up for was painful at best. I am grateful for the honest feedback I received, but that doesn’t make the medicine any easier to swallow. Basically, it was like being in labor for 72-hours only to have the nurse come in and tell you your baby was the ugliest thing she’d ever seen.

I learned 10 very important things:

1) My main character is a jerk

2) There is no market for yet another book about…heaven forbid… demons!

3) My word choice was offensive, despite the context with which it was intended

4) My fight scene was unrealistic and stupid

5) My characters attempt at gallantry backfired

6) I started the book in the wrong place

7) I had food in my teeth

8) My shirt was ugly

9) My pants made me look fat

10) I am fundamentally flawed

…But despite all that, the writing itself was okay.

Um, thank you?

I spent the weekend wanting to give up. And not just give up—I'm talking take my computer and throw it out the window of a 100 story building kind of giving up.

But, I have to keep reminding myself that even though she thought my baby was hideous and should be burned at the stake; there are others who sort of dig my baby. I kind of dig my baby.

So here I sit at a very important crossroads. If I want to continue to query my book to agents and try and actually get the ugly thing published I have a lot of rework to do. My first two chapters need to be completely rewritten and I need to take a long, long, long and hard look at the rest of it. My other choice is to give up on this book and keep working on my new book, hoping that I can get it right the second time around. My third choice is to turn around, go back the way I came, and quit.

I am not a quitter by nature. Unfortunately, part of writing, part of putting yourself out there to the world and being open for attack, part of trying to achieve your dreams is being disappointed and humiliated along the way. I know that in my brain. It’s my heart that doesn’t understand.

I still don’t know what I’m going to do. I really don’t. But here’s hoping time will heal and I will be back to writing offensive, unreadable drivel in no time!

World Tour: Toronto, Niagara, Pepsico, Boise

I have returned from my ventures in Canada. I was able to sneak away from work for a quick jaunt to a little place the locals like to call Niagara Falls.

Now…I know. Niagara Falls is…like…one of the 7 Deadly Sins, or 7 Dwarfs or 7 something or other but it doesn’t even compare to the miracle that awaited me when I arrived at our offices in Toronto. That’s right, we were on the same floor as PEPSICO! Can you believe it? That means in the ladies room, I wasn’t just making water and reminiscing about last night’s asparagus, it means I was sharing a toilet seat with some of the greatest bottoms of our generation. A moment of silence for the dark mother, if you please.

To top off my wonderful week, we are leaving for Boise today. I get to see some of my favorite people and catch the SCBWI Read, wRite, Revise Conference. Is anyone else coming? I have a one-on-one with an agent to discuss INDISIOUS. I am so excited to get some professional feedback! I’ll blog all about the conference when I get back.

Until then…everyone have an amazing weekend.